
If I were honest…
I would tell you I’m hurting,
That waking up each morning…
is a new adventure in dread.
I don’t know who I’m waking up to be and that scares me.
Which side of psycho will she walk today?
If I were honest…
I would tell you about the bounty of tears,
that flow in the small moment between woman and professional…
because you can’t be both .
If I were honest…
I would tell you I’m scared,
being naked in this world…
without the armor of beauty, or wealth or power or charisma
being armed only with the power of intelligence,
If I can claim even that without the necessary officiating artifacts.
If I were honest…
I would tell you I’m sad
because I’m not there yet, even though nobody can point me the way
but everyone seems to be there…right?
If I were honest…
I’d tell you I’m angry,
because content is what I should be
instead I am adrift somewhere between hopeless and helpless
I am anything but content
If I were honest, I would tell you my whole truth,
In the language of screams and tears and rage and feeling utterly lost…and alone.
Instead…
I’ll tell you I’m fine,
I’ll tell you alive and living
I’ll tell you I’m okay
I’ll smile and joke and dazzle you with my carefully curated cover
I’ll tell you I’m happy!
If I were honest, if only I were honest